Saturday 22 February 2014

8 years on

8 years ago today the 22nd of February 2006 I had surgery to find out what the hell was going on! What they found not only changed my life but quite possibly saved my life!! A tumour in my bowel, an evil uninvited lodger.
So much has happened in the last 8 years, surgeries,chemo,a brain haemmorage and I've lost count of how many hospital stays. There has been positive things 4 more grandkids and a new circle of friends.
It's now 18mths since the last time I had surgery to remove a 'lung lodger' and 3mths since my last clear scan. Family and friends tell me how grateful I should be and off course I'm thankful to be clear of any nastiness! Then why have I been feeling so damn low and emotional!
My GP has upped one of my tablets, was for nerve damage now for depression. She also advised me to stay away from any charity work, volunteering, twitter anything linked to cancer issues including not doing my Macmillan shifts.
So why have I started having struggling again??  I've always stayed positive but I'm obviously not as strong as I thought.Maybe Macmillan talking to patients and there families. Seeing and hearing of friends having to cope with bad news, surgery and chemo. One of my daughters asked if I thought it would come back, how do you answer that question? I am scared it will, but the longer I stay clear the more optimistic I become.

January was a dreadful month for our Bowel cancer community we lost 3 wonderful people. Two I had met briefly, one I considered a friend. I don't normally name people in my blog but for Hazel I will make an exception.
Hazel Elkamouri (@witchyx)was the first person,after six years battling alone, that I spoke to that also had bowel cancer. I met her at Beating Bowel cancers patient day in April 2012. Found out she lived about 20min drive from me. I bumped into her in a local shopping centre not long after meeting. Hazel introduced me to a group of wonderful people also bowel cancer patients, these people I'm proud now to call my friends. Sadly we have lost a few friends in the last couple of years.

Back to Hazel,she was an amazing woman, helping others through her own experience of this damn disease. Not moaning about her own situation, doing what she could to advise and comfort others.
The last time I spoke to her, a few days before she passed away, I had visited her briefly in the hospice. She had asked if I could get her some flavoured straws to drink her milk through. The last text I got from her was thanking me and saying they were bliss and just what the doctor ordered!

I'm now caught in an emotional tug of war, part of me wanting to scream and shout and spread awareness. The other part shaking and hiding in a corner too scared of getting involved.

So eight years on it has been a sometime difficult, other times exciting and uplifting journey. I don't know what the future holds, who does, but I do know I can and will climb out of this black hole eventually.