Breaking out . . . . Or am I?

I can hear you all asking what are you breaking out of!

Prison? I don't think so!
Hospital? Thankfully no!
Asylum? Not quite yet!

So what then? For most of this year I have been deep in a black cloud of depression. I have been wanting to write a new post for a while and the tragic news that Robin Williams has passed away possibly suicide due to depression gave me the inspiration! Apparently 1 in 4 of us will battle depression in one way or another but sadly few of us can actually talk about it. You can't see depression, you can't hear depression but it's all around us.
The problem is some of us, me included, hide the cloud with a false smile. Although it feels like your head is going to explode it's easier to push all the worries, problems and even grief into a safe in the back of your head and throw away the key. Then suddenly the safe door flies open and down comes the big black cloud.
I have had counselling,was anxious when it finished and surprised at what things upset me the most. Off course cancer reared it's ugly head, I don't think that worry will ever go away. Lots of other stuff came up which I don't want to talk about now.
To my surprise what really upset me was talking about my parents, every time I spoke about them I cried. I lost mum when I was 9, damn cancer, so I never really knew her. It wasn't until I became a mum and a nanny that I realised something was missing. My wonderful dad I lost almost 9yrs ago, I was with him when he passed away. There isn't a day goes past when I don't think about him. He was always the first person I would turn to when times were tough. My counsellor asked me why I fought the tears "because I always do" was my answer!
As for talking to friends or family about things, I don't want people to feel sorry for me, I don't want to be a victim of my own thoughts!
I was starting to climb out of the cloud, could see light at the end of a long tunnel but then another setback, I kept saying to my counsellor I seem to go 2 steps forward and 3 steps back!
This however is a setback of necessary. My mum in law is moving in with us next week. Having her here isn't the problem. She is 92 next week and shouldn't be living alone, having her here will be less stressful for us all knowing she is safe. It's the upheaval in the house that's getting to me. As mum is having our front room we've lost our dining room. The room is cramped and my view is now a shed and a brick wall. It means eating our meals on trays on our lap! I will get used to it but it doesn't mean I will like it!
So I will throw myself into doing my crafts and not sit around moping. I've started to go to a couple of knitting groups, a big step for me as my confidence has been in tatters.
I do feel better for writing this it's easier than telling people what's going on. I know I have friends I could talk to and in time I will.